Halftime Show

Football Funnies

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

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The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.

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I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.

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If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

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The pride and presence of a professional football team is far more important than 30 libraries.

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If there's a pileup, they'll have to give some of the players artificial insemination. (announcing for the AFL all-star game on a flooded field)

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Football is a game for trained apes. That, in fact, is what most of the players are--retarded gorillas wearing helmets and uniforms. The only thing more debased is the surrounding mob of drunken monkeys howling the gorillas on.

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Tailgating Tips For Beginners

With the NFL and College football seasons here, its time to review some tailgating tips to make you feel like a champ! Many people that go to games are getting into the tailgating party. For most people they have no clue what to do or how to do it. I am going to give you a few tips to make you look like your a "seasoned" veteran.

Here are the main things you need to consider as a rookie in tailgating:

1. Pack the things you need before you have the party! Assess everything that you will need to bring from home; trash bags, fold out chairs, coolers, beer and all the other necessities. Go to costco a day or so before the game and load up on the hot dogs and hamburgers and anything else you might think and don't forget to properly package them so they don't spoil.

2. Plan out the location of your tailgating party. If you can drive by where you will be tailgating and make sure you have enough space to actually have a party.

3. This one is the most common tailgating failure of all. Don't forget to fill up your propane tank before leaving for the party. You can not cook without the propane.

4. Bring separate coolers for your raw meats and your ready to eat foods! You don't want to make all of your tailgating guests really sick because then they will never go to another one of your parties and a party is no fun with only yourself.

5. This is an easy one. The night before freeze all of your drinks instead of putting them in a cooler full of ice. That way your drinks will be cold and you won't have to deal with the mess of the melting ice. As you become more seasoned at tailgating than you can use the cooler and the ice technique.

6. Go to a store and buy some of your team flags to hang everywhere. After you do that than you can move onto buying balloons and whatnot. The reasoning for this is so that you guests will be able to recognize you easier and locate you faster.

7. Always have food ready to go. Anytime a guest wants to eat there should be food awaiting them. Do not put yourself in a panic mode if your food is not ready.

8. Remove the ashes after grilling and keep them in heavy duty tin foil. Dip the foil completely in water before placing it in a container for trash. That way the trash or the container doesn't catch fire.

9. Lastly, after the party is over remember to clean up your own mess. So, make sure you have plenty of trash bags to dispose of all the garbage.

By doing all of these things, you can consider yourself as one of the Veterans in tailgating.

Christopher Ayers http://omgebook.blogspot.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christopher_Ayers

Football Weird Facts

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Stars Game. ~~~~~No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl. ~~~~~In 1916 Georgia Tech's football team beat Cumberland U., 222-0. ~~~~~It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. ~~~~~When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. ~~~~~Herman Moore holds the NFL record for the most pass receptions in a single season. A female's definition of "eternity":ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. ~~~~~"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996. ~~~~~"You guys line up alphabetically by height.""You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach. ~~~~~Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." ~~~~~Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, of his coach, John Jenkins (1991): "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." ~~~~~Darrell Royal, Texas football coach (1966) asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" ~~~~~Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm (1991) had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." ~~~~~Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote in 1996: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." ~~~~~Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers (1991): "He said, 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games." ~~~~~LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children (1986): "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets." ~~~~~Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs (1986): "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." ~~~~~ Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"~~~~~"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead." -- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) - US journalist, author, humorist.

Football Trivia

· In 1905, 18 men died from injuries sustained on the football field. President Theodore Roosevelt stepped in and instituted safety measures to make the game safer.

· The first pick (by Eagles) in the first NFL draft in 1935, was Jay Berwanger from the University of Chicago. He never played in the league.

· The 'huddle' in football was formed due to a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.

· The first Rose Bowl game was held in 1902 in Pasadena, California. The University of Michigan beat Sanford 49-0.

• The Vince Lombardi Trophy is awarded to the winners of the Super Bowl.
• The first black player in the American League was Larry Doby with the Cleveland Indians in 1947.
• First Instant Replay was used during Army Navy Football Game at Municipal Stadium Philadelphia on December 7, 1963, invented by CBS Director Tony Verna
• The first professional football team to sport an insignia on their helmets was the Los Angeles Rams in 1950, who hand painted yellow horns on their blue leather helmets.
• The first Super Bowl was played in 1967. The Green Bay Packers of the National Football League defeated the Kansas City Chiefs of the American Football League, 35-to-10.
• The Four Horsemen of the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame played together for the last time in 1925, as the Irish downed Stanford in the Rose Bowl, 27-10. The Four Horsemen were Jim Crowley, Elmer Layden, Don Miller and Harry Stuhldreher.

Football Quotes

Image via Wikipedia

Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.
-Doug Plank

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.
- Alan Shearer

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.
- Johnny Giles

Individual commitment to a group effort -- that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.
- Vince Lombardi

Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.
- Mary McGrory

I learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is, you can make it.
- Gale Sayers

When in doubt, punt!
- John Heisman

The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.
- John Madden

Maybe a good rule in life is never become too important to do your own laundry.
- Barry Sanders

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.
- Archie Griffen

Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.
- Frank Gifford

Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
- Duffy Daugherty

I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important -like a league game or something.
- Dick Butkus

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
- Joe Theismann

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.
- Heywood Hale Broun

I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL.
- Steve Henderson

Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time.
- Arnold Mandell

American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party.
- Sue Lawley

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
- Terry Bradshaw

College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.
- Elbert Hubbard

Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis.
-Tim Green

You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four.
-Dan Birdwell

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-George F. Will

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
-Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
-Erma Bombeck

If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same.
-Bob Golic

At the base of it was the urge, if you wanted to play football, to knock someone down, that was what the sport was all about, the will to win closely linked with contact.
-George Plimpton

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
-Jim Bouton

One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured.
-Author Unknown

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
-George Raveling

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

I do not like football, which I think of as a game in which two tractors approach each other from opposite directions and collide. Besides, I have contempt for a game in which players have to wear so much equipment. Men play basketball in their underwear, which seems just right to me.
-Anna Quindlen, Living Out Loud, 1988

Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it.
-Luke Salisbury

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
-Erma Bombeck

There are two kinds of people in the world, Notre Dame lovers and Notre Dame haters. And, quite frankly, they're both a pain in the ass.
-Dan Devine, former Notre Dame football coach

I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.
-Jack Tatum

He was the only man I ever saw who ran his own interference.
-Steve Owen, about Bronko Nagurski

Trying to maintain order during a legalized gang brawl involving 80 toughs with a little whistle, a hanky and a ton of prayer.
-Anonymous referee, explaining his job

There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team's goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo.
-Tony Kornheiser

Speed is not your fastest, but your slowest man. No back can run faster than his interference.
-Jock Sutherland

When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids.
-Chuck Mills

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.
-Merle Kessler

Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.
-Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player

The tactical difference between Association Football and Rugby with its varieties seems to be that in the former the ball is the missile, in the latter men are the missiles.
-Alfred E. Crawley, The Book of the Ball, 1913

What about football? Is it a sport or a concussion?
-Jim Murray, Los Angeles Times

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-Eugene J. McCarthy

I don't like to lose, and that isn't so much because it is just a football game, but because defeat means the failure to reach your objective. I don't want a football player who doesn't take defeat to heart, who laughs it off with the thought, 'Oh, well, there's another Saturday.' The trouble in American life today, in business as well as in sports, is that too many people are afraid of competition. The result is that in some circles people have come to sneer at success if it costs hard work and training and sacrifice.
-Knute Kenneth Rockne

In life, as in a football game, the principle to follow is: Hit the line hard.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Describing an opposing team: Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.
- Don Shula

Did you know.........More Amazing Football Trivia

Image by DJ Lein via Flickr

In 1060, the Danish invaded England, which started a war. In the early 11th century, if somebody was walking along and they turned up a skull from the invasion, they would start kicking it around, to start the game of futballe. Later, America changed the rules and name to football.
Also, other things have been used for a football like a pig's bladder blown up, rocks, and other things put into a leather hide.


Have you ever wondered how the Green Bay Packers got their name? There once was a meat packing company that worked in Green Bay, Wisconsin. A man named Earl Lambeau worked there. Lambeau was born and raised in Green Bay, and then went to college in Notre Dame, where he was a star football player. A while later he decided he wanted to start his own professional football team. He went to the company's president and asked for $500 to buy pads, footballs, jerseys, and pants. In return he promised to call the team the Green Bay Packers. A couple of years later, the Packers were a professional football team. The Green Bay Packers are the only team named after a meat packing company.



A person who returns punts or kicks usually needs more than a lucky break. He needs speed, quickness, and the ability to follow his blockers. But a fast halfback named Abler Haynes from Texas State College returned a punt just by using his head. Haynes dropped back for a punt, and the punt was short. It dropped a few yards away from Haynes. It took a high bounce, and rolled to a stop. Players from both teams gathered around the ball. Referees started to come in, but hadn't blown the whistle yet. Cautiously Haynes picked up the ball casually as if to toss the ball to the referee. But instead, he picked up the ball, and sprinted off. When Haynes was 20 yards away from the opponent team they realized what he was doing. The opponent team argued that the referee was late blowing his whistle, but the referee said the play was legal, and the touchdown counted.

The Minnesota Vikings and the San Francisco 49ers were playing a game on October 25, 1964. The Vikings were ahead, 27-17 in the fourth quarter, when the Vikings had a fumble. Jim Marshall, playing for the Vikings, picked up the ball and started running. All the players, coaches and fans started yelling. Finally Marshall looked back, and saw the Vikings quarterback pointing the other way. Then it hit him. He was running the WRONG WAY! He threw the ball back to the quarterback. Instead, it went out of bounds, giving the 49ers two points. Marshall ran 60 yards the wrong way, without realizing it!

Lamer Hunt, the owner of the Kanas City Chiefs, couldn't believe it. His daughter had just bounced a small ball that was red, white, and blue over the roof of their house, and into their backyard. "What's that?" he asked. "It's a super ball daddy, a super ball." "No wonder it's called a super ball, it bounces super."
One day Hunt was on his way to a final Kansas City Chiefs game. All the players and Hunt kept referring to the game as the "final game" or the "the Championship game." Before they got there Hunt gave his usual pep talk. He accidentally said, "Now when we get to the super bowl..." All the players knew what he was talking about. Later he said it must have come from the super ball.
Later NFL adopted the name Super Bowl as the official name.

In 1903, Michigan discovered they left a little brown water jug in Minneapolis, where they had played their last game. When they got back to Michigan, they called the Minneapolis equipment manger and asked for it it back. His reply was "Come and get it!" Michigan and Minneapolis fought over the little brown water jug for over 80 years! (I never found out who ended up with it though.)

November 17, 1968 was probably one of the worst days for the New York Jets and Oakland Raiders fans. They were playing in Oakland, and the game was very close. With the score 32-29, New York's favor, NBC started playing a new movie version of Heidi! Everyone was sure that New York would win...
In Oakland, the Raiders' quarterback, Daryle Lamonica threw a 43-yard touchdown!

Two of the smartest coaches were Percy Haughton of Harvard and "Pop" Warner of Carlisle Institute.
In 1908 the two teams were scheduled to play one another. About a week before the game "Pop"Warner had a trick to defeat the tough Harvard team. He sewed pads to his player's pants and jersey. When the Carlisle team came out to practice on Harvard's field, Haughton noticed the pads on the Carlisle teams pants and jersey.
"That's not fair " said Haughton.
"It's not against the rules," said "Pop" Warner with a laugh. " I can put anything on my player jersey that I want." But Haughton had some tricks up his sleeve also. Just before kick off the two coaches met in the center of the field to pick out the ball for the game. When "Pop" Warner reached in the bag to pick out a ball, he pulled out a red one! Haughton had dyed the ball red, the same color as the Harvard jerseys. "It's not against the rules," laughed Haughton. "Does the ball have to be brown all the time?" "Pop" Warner went back to the bench mumbling to himself.
Harvard won 17 to 0.

In 1930, when Knute Rockne was the legendary coach of Notre Dame football team, he said that his Notre Dame team could beat a NFL team any day. Soon it was arranged that they would play against the New York Giants. Way too soon, the big game came. After a while, Rockne found out the Giants were a rough team. When the score was 17-0, Benny Friedman, the Giants quarterback showed some mercy. The final score was 22-0, but fans from both sides said the score would have been 70-0, if Friedman hadn't showed some mercy.
Rockne learned to never boast about things like that again. It just might turn out bad!

History of Football - BEGINNING OF PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL

Image via Wikipedia

Welcome to the history of football. Here you will learn more about the history of football. In 1895 the first professional football game in the United States was held in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. That game was against a team that represented Latrobe, Pennsylvania and a team from Jeannette, Pennsylvania.

Over the next 10 years many professional teams were started including The Olympics of McKeesport, Pennsylvania; the Bulldogs of Canton, Ohio; and the Duquesness of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Willie Heston, Jim Thrope, Knute Rockne, and Fritz Pollard where all among noted college players who took up professional football. During the first thirty years the professional game didn't attract many people. There were many military men that wanted to play football, but if they did they were put in jail for not doing their military duties.

The first league of professional football was founded in 1920 and it was called the American Football Association. The admission fee was 100 dollars per team. The teams promised not to use any student player who still had college eligibility left to play football.

In 1922 the American Football Association ended and NFL, the National Football League, was born. Red Grange, a famous halfback from the University of Illinois provided a great stimulus for the league when he joined the Chicago Bears in 1925. His exciting plays drew a large crowd. Professional football attracted many good college football players at that time. The early NFL game was hardly different from college football. College play books and rule books made no attempt to break away from the NCAA, National Collegiate Athletic Association rules. In the league's early years, playing NFL football was a part time job and players held other jobs during the day. Professional football coaches arranged to practice in the evenings, sometimes only three or four times a week.